PARTS OF CONVERSATION

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Ethos

Character is important. A person with high character can say little and be enormously influential like Mother Theresa. But a person with limited character doesn’t have the same effect.

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Pathos

It means connecting with emotions. We connect with emotions when we tune in and focus on the person's problems and needs. "People are carrying a heavy load." And this simply means that we have problems but so many other people have greater problems than us. When we tune in to other people’s problems and concerns, it’s amazing how much better your life is.

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“If every person who complains about their problems could come from all corners of the earth and take and pile their problems in a heap. And if each person could see the size and gravity of the problems of others, they would sneak forward shamefacedly and take their petty problems away and creep into the night.”

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Logos

This is the factual content of the conversation. Often the least important. Until you have established character and connected with the emotions of the other person, the words you say is not relevant.

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It is said that  in selling, you establish rapport (character), you seek the underlying problem or need which is connecting with the pathos, and then talk about your service/product (logos). These 3 are important in dealing with anybody in life.

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ELEMENT OF CONVERSATION

"Words only account for 7% of the message"

- Albert Mehrabian (Professor of social sciences at the University of California at Los Angeles, UCLA)

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The very best message is a message that is synchronized. The words, the tone of voice, and the body language are all synchronized to the message.
This is why when somebody is talking to you, it’s important you turn towards them, face them directly, listen closely to what they say, nod and pay attention. Rather than saying, “Yeah, I’m listening.” etc over the back of your shoulder.

When parents are also talking to their small children, they should bend down to them at their eye level. It will be different for children rather than looking up at their parents like a giant.

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PERSONALITY STYLE

Relators:

Quiet, self-contained, not expressive, sensitive, people-oriented. They’re concerned about people’s opinions. And of course, you can go to extremes with these, and an extreme person will be hypersensitive to the opinions of others. If you’re selling/communicating, this type of person requires slow, low-eyed, easy-going, friendly, and warm. They wanna get to know about you, ask you questions.

You have to go slowly, you have to be patient, and you can’t be pushy. They take time to make decisions and they like to talk to other people. Their primary concern in life is let’s get along/be friends.

Relators tend to go to fields where relators are most effective. Eg, nursing, social services, teaching, and psychology.

Things where they deal with people, admin functions, counselling etc.

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Socializers:

Outgoing, direct, voluble, and people-oriented.

Their motivation is achievement and achievement with or through other people.

They like to talk about achievement. Wyd? How did you do? Let me tell you how it worked for me. e.t.c.

They’re socialisers also called expressives. Sometimes called executives because they’re very integrated. Focused on people and achievement.

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Analyzers:

Indirect, self-contained but task-oriented. Doesn’t really care so much about people, but is very concerned about doing the job and is kinda inward.

At extreme, can be an uncommunicative bureaucrat, very meticulous and picky about every detail. Their concern is let’s be accurate. Detail oriented.

Jobs like in computer, accounting, engineering, bookkeeping, any field where meticulous numbers are concerned. They like problems that don’t talk back.

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Directors:

Outgoing, direct and task-oriented. Facts, impatient, quick decisions, don’t need a lot of details, the ones that read the summary of the summaries. Concerned with results.

At extreme, they are dictators, angry, directive, short-tempered, and not patient at all.

With this type of person, don’t waste time, get right to it.

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Everyone here is in one of these quadrants. The mistake most people make is as though everyone else is the way they are. No matter what you are, 3/4 of the people you speak with are something else. Your job in asking questions and listening is to find out which style they are to get along with them. The person you’re most ideal for is the opposite. Even in a relationship. You will see Directors matched with Relators.

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Ask Questions:

Outgoing, direct and task-oriented. Facts, impatient, quick decisions, don’t need a lot of details, the ones that read the summary of the summaries. Concerned with results.

At extreme, they are dictators, angry, directive, short-tempered, and not patient at all.

With this type of person, don’t waste time, get right to it.

Types

Open-ended question

Starts with a pronoun. who, when, what, where, how, and why.

• How is it working?
• Who is involved?
• Where did it happen?

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Close end question

Starts with a verb. Used to bring convo to a close. Are, is have.

• Is this what you want?
• Have you made up your mind?

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Preference questions

- give the person a choice.Which do you like, which would be better?

When would you like it, today or next week?

Home or office address? Credit or cash? etc.

Giving people choices makes it easy for them to go along

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Balanced Dialogue

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No monopolizing. The best convo is like tides, going back and forth. Conversation test - a test of the compatibility of 2 people. In an ideal convo, each person gets a chance to talk & listen, a 10-15% period of easy silence. Each of us needs to talk and needs to listen. Some will have 70% of the time to talk and they’re always clashing because they wanna talk. The worst is in relationships, where both only need to talk 10-15% of the time, and a vast gap of uncomfortable silence, when they don’t have anything to say any more overtime.

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Acknowledging

Acknowledge and Agree twice as often. Not sitting passively. Actively listening. Be there the whole time.

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Good listening skills

Acknowledge and Agree twice as often. Not sitting passively. Actively listening. Be there the whole time.

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Listening builds trust

Keys to Success

• Listen attentively
• Pause before replying
• Question for Clarification
• Paraphrase in your own words
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